A late night ramble

I often feel quite lonely, isolated at times. I don't like to talk about my illness to friends, they just accept my daily regimen of being beaten, downing so many tablets i rattle when shaken, and frequent stays in the 'hotel' as they like to call it; but sometimes i wish they could have just a little insight into my life- of what it's like to keep it all in for fear of upsetting those you care about most.
Over the past 12 months my health has deteriorated 'disastorously' (the exact wording used in my hospital notes, which they think i don't sneak a peak at). I have gone from being a largely normal, healthy, happy person with a successful future stretched out ahead of me- to someone who doesn't know what the next day will bring, and doesn't dare to plan for the coming christmas- never mind next year. Some days i simply don't have the energy to leave the house, and people wonder why i don't jump for joy at the thought of participating in a lenghty hike or a muddy music festial. I have watched friends grow more distant as they get on with their lives, family more scared as they try to pretend it's not happening, and doctors more perplexed as i add one complication to another. This decline has culminated in discussion about a double lung transplant- and the chances this might bring. The fact is however, only half of those accepted as ill enough to need such a transplant ever get the chance to recieve one. This country has a chronic shortage of organ donors, leading to the loss of many young lives and the devestation of many others left behind. Perhaps this is why i haven't wanted to be upfront with you about how things have changed; perhaps i don't want to be viewed any differently to how i always have been; perhaps i haven't yet accepted this myself, and therefore am not ready for you to be let into this world.
Thankfully, this is a world you can leave just as quickly as you entered it. For the friends i have, waiting on the kindness of a stranger to allow them to regain their lives, walking away is not this simple.
Please think about joining the organ donor register today, and save people the heartache of having to say goodbye before their time.

http://www.uktransplant.org.uk/ukt/how_to_become_a_donor/registration/consent.jsp

There are many wonderful things going on in my life, and many things i have to look forward to (more of these to follow in further posts); but i felt some of you were owed an explanation, and this- for me at least- is the most painless way of doing it.